They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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