cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
