so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
