We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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