I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
