I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
