Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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