I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
