we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize