Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
