what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Randomize
