The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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