She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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