I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
