i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
