MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
