If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
