you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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