When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
