I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
