Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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