can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
