Don't make out with my wife yet
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
