Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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