I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
