Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he fucked my hip out of place.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
