after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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