Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
