i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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