i need an iv and a liver transplant
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I checked into jail on foursquare
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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