someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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