o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
