Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
