I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
