I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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