so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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