well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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