Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
