we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Your cock deserves a montage
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize