i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm gonna have a badass scar
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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