my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
