12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
