I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
