I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
