god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
