totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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