you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize