I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
