Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
