I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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