why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
