Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
