those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
