First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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