I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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