GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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