my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
