You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
