Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
