My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
