I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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