6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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