i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
